


S15E3 "The Rupture" Coda: Cas deserves better

by WaywardAF67



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Angst, Coda, Dean Winchester is Bad at Feelings, Dean at least tries, Dean doesn't deserve Castiels forgiveness, Dean is too mean to Cas, Emotionally Hurt Castiel (Supernatural), Episode: s15e03 The Rupture, Gen, I kind of hate him right now, POV Castiel (Supernatural), Protective Dean Winchester, Season/Series 15 Spoilers, This only fixes a little bit, Unresolved Emotional Tension
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-30
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2021-01-13 03:15:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,063
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21237233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaywardAF67/pseuds/WaywardAF67
Summary: Cas is left alone with his thoughts after walking away from the only family he's ever loved.





	S15E3 "The Rupture" Coda: Cas deserves better

**Author's Note:**

> As always, a HUGE thank you to EllenofOz for betaing this for me! She has been there since day one of my writing so it means so much that she edited the first thing I've been able to post in almost a year. I don't have my words back yet, but I hope they come soon. Go read her stuff it's the best! And thanks to my new friend Bek—you were so helpful in helping me figure this on out and you know telling me the correct name of the episode!

Cas walked to his truck, parked right outside the front door of the bunker. He had sustained himself on nothing but hope and prayer for the last ten years, but he knew no matter how much he hoped he would, Dean wasn’t going to follow. Cas gave the hunter ample time to stop him, but the look was there––that same disheartened look Dean always wore when Cas disappointed him. Only this time, Cas knew there was no coming back. He wasn’t even sure he wanted to come back. 

In time, he would reach out to Sam, let the hunter know that he had to leave, and he knew Sam would understand. Cas also knew that no matter how upset Dean had been with him, he was going to take his anger out on his little brother. He would apologize for that too. But they would get along just fine without him––they always had. Sam and Dean Winchester never needed him. He thought they did, convinced himself in the beginning that he was there for the cause. That he believed in the righteous man and his little brother that drank demon blood. He’d even convinced himself that they grew to care for him, but as Cas climbed into his truck he knew it was over. He couldn’t be a punching bag for Dean any longer. He made mistakes, failed in epic proportions, but he had always stayed true and loyal to the Winchesters. Even when he was working with Crowley it was with them in mind. 

Save Sam and Dean––Cas thought it was his calling. His one mission from God. Maybe it was, maybe God only sent Cas to save Dean because he needed a broken angel to rebel. Naomi was right, he came off the line with a cracked chassis, but was that by design? 

As Cas pulled away from the only place he’d ever considered  _ home  _ he wondered if Chuck planned for him to rebel. Planned on Metatron stealing his grace and leaving him weakened. So many things had happened to him since he raised Dean from perdition, and he wondered how much he actually had a choice in. Unlike Dean, Cas wasn’t just angry about this, he was also perplexed. Maybe only having free will for ten years made it harder for him to understand Dean’s anger. Being an angel programmed to follow orders and protect God’s will was all he’d known until two boys from Kansas asked him to make a choice. One demanded it actually. And hasn’t that always been their relationship? Dean demanding one thing or another from Castiel. Pushing him to his limits and beyond. 

Cas felt the phone in his pocket buzz and was surprised that Sam was calling him so quickly. But maybe Dean had already gotten too drunk or smashed up his bedroom and Sam needed someone to talk to. Cas almost pulled over to take the call, but instead slammed his foot on the gas––his truck gave a growl, but it was nothing like the Impala. Tears welled up in his eyes and he blindly threw his phone into the passenger seat. 

He would add this missed phone call to the ever-growing list of apologies he would make to Sam, but for now, Cas needed nothing but quiet and the open road. He was bitter that this is his biggest takeaway from Dean. It wasn’t love or compassion, kindness or understanding, no what Cas learned most from his  _ best friend  _ was there isn’t a problem in the world that you can’t run from. 

He reached for the tape in his glove box but stopped himself. Listening to the mixtape Dean gave him would only cause his heart to break further. He had never known if Dean crafted those songs just for him, or if this was just an old tape he had laying around and passed off to Cas as another  _ teachable moment.  _

They had a lot of those  _ teachable moments.  _ Dean was constantly trying to get Cas to conform, never quite comfortable with his  _ otherness _ . And Cas had tried, he tried to make Dean accept him, tried to make Dean love him, but even as he lay dying in the barn a few years ago Dean could never say it. Maybe he never felt it, though Cas didn’t want to believe that. He had to believe he mattered. He made a difference. Sure he fucked up a lot, and made bad choices, and kept things from the brothers, but he only ever did that to protect them. Couldn’t Dean see that? 

As the distance grew between Castiel and Lebanon, Kansas, he thought about everything they had been through. From that first trip up from hell, the seals breaking, when Cas took over Claire Novak’s body, the first time he went against heaven for Dean, and every wrong turn he’d made since then. He thought about Naomi’s mind control and the thousands of Dean’s he’d killed, but how the real Dean’s words pulled him back from the edge. He’d asked that day what broke the trance, and Cas, still being dumb and naive, thought Dean would understand that it was him, those words so close to expressing his love––as close as Dean had ever come to telling him that he loved him. Why didn’t Dean see that? Or it was possible that he did know exactly why Castiel was able to overcome mind control and he just brushed it off. Not everything was about them. Dean had a lot of problems he needed to sort through, and his willingness to accept love and understand his place in the world was his biggest area of concern. 

That’s what made Cas so confused, for years Dean thought of himself as nothing but a tool, an instrument to be used to fight evil. First at John’s will, then Alistair’s, then Cas’, and finally Chuck’s. Why was it so hard for him to wrap his head around this? Had Dean finally learned that he deserved good things? Castiel felt like he might have been the first person to ever tell him that, and it took him ten years to believe it, but that could be why he was so angry. He'd finally accepted that he mattered, that what he did was important. Just because Chuck was behind the why didn’t make it any less true. 

Humans on this plane still felt things, they still mourned loved ones, felt pain, and fear. Dean saved countless people from going through those things. Just because God trapped them in this maze doesn’t mean the work he did to keep the maze running was for nothing. 

What felt like hours, but could have only been minutes, dragged on as Cas drove aimlessly. He had used the last of his Grace to stop Belphegor and felt like he might need to sleep, if only for a short respite from thinking of Dean. He was mad, and hurt, scared, and lonely. His mouth was dry and that meant he needed water which meant he would have to urinate, and that was the final straw. Cas couldn’t hold back any longer. One perfect tear slipped down his cheek before he was able to pull to the side of a dark abandoned road. He didn’t even know what direction he chose, or if he was still in Kansas anymore. 

The reference that he actually got and used made him choke out a sob. He’d finally done it right and Dean was nowhere to see. 

Years of pain and arguments washed over him, causing him to gasp for air. This had happened to him once before when he was a human, and one of the nice people at the homeless encampment told him it was a panic attack. It had to be that, he couldn’t breathe or stop the tears from streaming down his face. His heart physically ached as if it were slowly cracking, but was beating too quickly for that to be true. His arms felt numb and he was thankful he already pulled over when this happened. 

He loved Dean with everything he had and it wasn’t enough. He’d never been enough and it didn’t matter to Dean that he never stopped trying. If Cas were honest with himself he would say that nothing had been the same between them since he worked with Crowley to open up purgatory. And Cas just spent countless years following Dean around like an abused puppy begging for love. All he ever wanted was to be loved. Maybe Sam loved him out of some misplaced obligation, but never from Dean. 

Anger welled up inside of him, taking the pain he felt and wrapping it up like a wounded bird. This was another lesson he learned from Dean, embrace the anger and shove aside the sadness. It wasn’t his fault Mary was dead, it wasn’t his fault he had to stop Belphagor, it wasn’t his fault Chuck trapped them there and watched them like some campy TV show. Dean had said that every time something went wrong he was there, but damn it, so were they. Sam and Dean had fucked up just as much as he had and he was always there with open arms and forgiveness. Something Dean never gave him––not really. They would move on and there would sometimes be a half baked apology, but they never worked anything out. They just pushed forward and kept fighting because that’s what you did, you never gave up. Well, Castiel was tired of living like a Winchester and he was ready to give up. 

He wanted to lay down across the bench of his truck and sleep until...forever really. It would be so easy to close his eyes and let exhaustion take him, but a nagging voice in the back of his mind––that sounded an awful lot like Dean––told him he would have a sore back and a cramped up neck. So, one last time, Cas decided to push forward. There had to be a motel close to wherever the hell he was. 

He reached across the seat, grabbing his phone. With the last of his energy he would search out somewhere to stay. At least this time he had his own credit cards and vehicle. How many times would Cas have to be a human without a home because of Dean? 

Cas was expecting to see one missed call from Sam, but he was shocked to see several missed calls and a list of texts. His eyes burned and felt swollen, but the tears had finally slowed and he swiped their last traces away with the back of his hand. As he stared down at the illuminated screen, Dean’s name on display at least twenty times. 

** _Missed Call 11:47 pm Dean_ **

** _Missed Call 11:47 pm Dean_ **

** _Missed Call 11:48 pm Dean_ **

** _Missed Call 11:51 pm Dean_ **

** _Missed Call 11:59 pm Dean_ **

** _Dean 12:04 am << Cas pick up the damn phone._ **

** _Dean 12:07 am << You sorry sack of shit, you don’t get to leave this family. _ **

** _Missed Call 12:10 am Dean_ **

** _Missed Call 12:15 am Dean_ **

** _Missed Call 12:16 am Dean_ **

** _Dean 12:20 am << Come on man. At least tell me where you’re going._ **

** _Dean 12:20 am << Cas, please. _ **

** _Missed Call 12:21am Dean_ **

** _Missed Call 12:21 am Dean_ **

** _Missed Call 12:23 am Dean_ **

** _Dean 12:30 am << Please come home._ **

** _Missed Call 12:32 am Dean_ **

** _Dean 12:37 am << I’m sorry. _ **

The anger in Cas deflated. He wasn’t ready to forgive Dean or go back home, but his heart began to piece back together thinking that maybe he and Dean could salvage some part of their relationship. He didn’t want to leave, he didn’t want to feel used and hurt. He didn’t want to admit that the words Belphegor spoke got to him. But he wasn’t going to back down just because Dean said he was sorry. Sorry wasn’t going to make up for blaming him, for sending him to Hell with Jack’s body being inhabited by a demon. Dean wasn’t sucking it up and moving forward about his loss of Mary, why was Cas expected to move on so quickly after his child had died. 

_ Cas 1:04 am >> Prove it!  _

  
  
  
  
  



End file.
